Buddy's Angels

After being without a job for over two years (and after exhausting all my unemployment benefits and after using all the money I had in my bank account), I was just 3 weeks away from eviction and facing the horror of self-termination, or worse...being homeless on the streets of Las Vegas.

But I got a last minute reprieve from one kind stranger who I had met only a couple of months ago via the internet. A woman who had e-mailed me, and who I had communicated with since then (and who I had met only once before, after being featured in an interview with her for our local newspaper).

Now, with just less than two weeks away from the first of the month (when the rent is due and with the utilities 3 months behind) I find myself with $2 and loose change in my pocket. And I have a car with an empty gas tank that's about to be repossessed by the bank any day now. I just might have enough food to last me until the end of the month. Then, when I would have been evicted, I would be left with no money, no food, no car, and no place to go.

But this kind woman offered me a room in her home, and says she'll feed this stranger, a grown man, who until now, has supported himself for the last 38 years of his life.

And as God has angels, so do I. That woman, and several others, have reached out to help me - and one has even paid my cell phone bill so I would at least have some communication with the world while my life was quickly coming unraveled around me.

Last night I began packing what few of my possessions I could take to go stay with this one particular angel. She even cleaned my apartment so that I may conduct an Associated Press interview the next day without me having to be ashamed of my living conditions.

I had been severely depressed for many months and had stopped maintaining everything, thinking I wouldn't be living much longer anyway, so why bother? I didn't wash dishes, I threw them away and ate off paper plates and paper towels. I stopped cutting my hair - papers and dirty clothes littered the apartment. In death I didn't feel a need to care what others might think of me after I was gone. I just stopped giving a damn about almost everything at that point.

Now I will have a small room to continue on for a while longer, while I ponder what it will be like, starting all over again with nothing, from scratch, with no money...totally dependent on one kind stranger to maintain my survival.

I'll be sad to leave my home of over 5 years. *sigh* Especially since she cleaned it...because now it really does remind me of "home" again. The cocoon where I had hid, nestled safely inside from the outside world, isolated, while I thought almost everybody else was living "normally".

A new beginning in life...starting over again with nothing in 2011 at the age of 55 - after starting over with nothing in 1989 when I was 33. *sigh*  Just like I first started out with nothing in 1973 when I was a young man of 17 and just beginning my journey on the path to adulthood. The world still held promise for me then.

All those previous times when I had nothing, I had eventually acquired a fairly good job, a few appreciated possessions, a nice place to live, and a good dependable  car. I bought things, I did things, and I went places. I loved and I cried, living a full life.

But now I'm not sure I can do that any longer...starting over again with NO job or NO source of income, NO car, and almost with NO possessions at all - except for a small movie collection, a 27" TV, a 10-year-old computer, and some old clothes that still fit me. *sigh*

I'm not young, strong, and as healthy as I once was...and even though I used to think so, I'm most likely not near as "cool" as I once thought I was either.

But even so, I wouldn't mind being older, slower, and less "cool" - - - if only I hadn't have lost my job, my car, my money, and my home. Because when I lost all those, I also lost my self-esteem, respect from my previous peers, and my future security going forward into my "golden years". I did all that I could (all my life) to avoid poverty in my older years...now here I am, starting all over again with nothing, older, and in poverty.
*sigh*

I'm afraid that this time, I really wont be "starting over" again, because that implies I have somewhere to go or a goal to achieve; and a means or a way to accomplish those goals. But looking at the economy, the job market, and at my age, I fear the odds are so overwhelmingly against me that statistically, I may never have the time to prepare for my elderly years. I will die an old and lonely pauper...penniless, beaten, broken, and maybe very bitter as well. *sigh*

But at least, thanks to my angels, I'll live a little longer to complain about all those things that I complain about now...and maybe, just maybe, I can help do something to help others from having to start all over again too - with nothing. Maybe I can help them find their angels.